I didn't know Him. Not truly. And so I created a version of Him made in my own image. The implications of this were two part. One, as I worshiped Him, I was able to still worship myself. And two, ultimately this imitation cannot satisfy. So I was not satisfied in God. I had no joy in Him. Because He was who I wanted Him to be.

Not who He truly is.

What changed?

The true knowledge of God found me, intercepted me, confronted and rebuked me. He in His kindness, which leads us to repentance, mocked my carved image and toppled it over with a single breath in the night. From First Samuel five verse three, "And when the people of Ashdod arose early in the morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the earth before the Ark of the Lord. So they took Dagon and set it in its place again."

The broken cistern I drank from was revealed for what it truly was - broken. For years I had called it whole, let astray by the strong delusion that I could satisfy myself. It wasn't until what was all along broken was actually broken into pieces before me, tha my eyes were opened to the sham and travesty that was my version of God.

First Samuel five verse four, "And when they arose early, the next morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the ground before the Ark of the Lord. The head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were broken off on the threshold. Only Dagon's torso was left of it."

The hand of the Lord was heavy upon my idol as it was upon theirs in First Samuel. Finally, I found myself in the exact place I needed to be, fallen on my face to the ground before the Lord. Can you save yourself? No. Can you keep yourself unto salvation? No. Can you sustain yourself? No.
"With men, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19:26.

What rose up out of me was a cry, not unlike that of Isaiah, "Woe is me for I am undone because I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts." Lost. Undone. Unclean. Undeserving. My most unlovable state.
Seeing myself in this condition made the next moment so startling. "While we were yet sinners Christ died." And then even more direct, to one so unlovable, these words. "He brought me to the banqueting house. And his banner over me was love."

And the Spirit and the bride say, come! Can you hear Him calling you as well? And let him who hears say, come. And let him who thirsts, come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.
And whoever drinks of this water, the water that He gives, will never thirst again. Will never, thirst, again.